A wake-up call about the mental load mothers carry and how to break free from constant performance pressure
In this episode, we unpack a moment of clarity (my clarity): standing in line at the supermarket, sick and moving slower than usual, I noticed how ingrained my habit of overperforming is – even at the checkout. From rushing to pack bags faster than the cashier to preemptively grabbing my card to avoid holding anyone up, it’s a pattern that reflects a deeper truth.
Why do so many of us – especially mothers – feel the need to overcompensate in every area of life? How much of this stems from losing touch with who we are and carrying the invisible mental load of always being “on”? Together, we’ll explore how to slow down, let go of the need to overperform, and rediscover the self we’ve lost amidst the chaos of motherhood and societal expectations.
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What You’ll Discover in This Episode
- The Supermarket Wake-Up Call – How being sick revealed I was people pleasing even strangers in checkout lines
- The People Pleasing Trap – Why we perform for everyone else’s comfort, even when they don’t know we exis
- Where This Really Comes From – Cultural conditioning, motherhood pressure, and fear of judgment that fuel our need to please
- Your 3-Step Freedom Plan – Practical ways to slow down intentionally, reframe your thinking, and set boundaries with yourself
- Permission to Disappoint – Why you deserve to move through life without constantly performing for others’ approval
The Episode
Have you ever caught yourself rushing to pack your groceries before the cashier’s even done scanning them? Or maybe you’re already pulling out your wallet, planning the next five steps while standing in line. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. That’s me.
As mothers, as women, many of us are stuck in a loop of overperforming, even in the smallest, most mundane tasks. So today we’re talking about why this happens and most importantly, how we can stop it.
My Wake-Up Call: When Sickness Forced Me to Slow Down
Here’s what happened to me recently. I got really, really sick. I had a great time at New Year’s Eve – I was out celebrating with a dear friend and we had a beautiful time. The next day I woke up incredibly unwell and was actually stuck in bed for four days with a fever. That hasn’t happened in a long, long time.
I really had to drag myself through my apartment. Luckily I had the basics covered at home and my daughter was away during the time. After five or six days, I slowly dragged myself out of the apartment again. I walked down the street very, very slowly to the supermarket. I was so slow, still so sick, and everything really felt very different. My body, my mind, everything I was looking at just appeared to me in a different way.
It was interesting because that doesn’t happen to me very often – moving through my world so slowly. I’m always busy doing things, busy, busy, busy. Even when I’m trying to calm down and slow down, my mind oftentimes still races from one thing to the next. And that’s not news for us mums because we have a million things on our mind all the time.
The Moment Everything Changed
In the supermarket, as I stood in line moving at this unfamiliar, very slow pace, I started to notice things I had never paid attention to before. There was a man in front of me and I watched him very calmly packing his bags. He was not rushing, not worried about the people waiting behind him. Not in that annoying way that some people are just extremely slow – no, just normal pace.
I watched the scene and it was just normal pace, and I wasn’t annoyed. It all seemed very normal. After he packed everything, he slowly checked his pockets for his wallet, pulled it out, searched for his card, and then paid. All completely normal.
And here’s what hit me: I don’t do that.
I don’t do that. I realize I never do that. Even in a checkout line at the supermarket, I am performing. I pack my bags as fast as possible. I’m trying to finish before the cashier scans the last item. I’ve already pulled out my credit card before it’s even my turn, so I won’t hold up anyone in line. I’m rushing to make sure I don’t inconvenience anyone – efficiency mode fully activated for Melly in the supermarket.
Watching this scene was a big wake-up call. Why am I doing this? Why am I overperforming even in the supermarket, even here?
It’s Not Just About the Supermarket – It’s About People Pleasing
This isn’t just about the supermarket. It’s about how deeply ingrained our people pleasing habits are as mothers, as women. We’ve become so used to putting everyone else’s comfort first that we don’t even realize we’re doing it anymore – even with complete strangers.
The mental load we carry feeds into this. We don’t just do things – we manage everyone else’s experience too. We anticipate, we plan, we smooth the way so no one feels inconvenienced. From keeping track of school schedules to remembering birthdays to making sure no one’s waiting behind us at the cashier.
People pleasing – my favorite topic because it’s everywhere. Many of us have internalized the idea that we shouldn’t inconvenience others so much that it’s become automatic. We need to make things easy for everyone else around us, even people we’ll never see again.
And there’s perfectionism. Somewhere along the line, we picked up the belief that being good enough isn’t enough. We have to be the best version of ourselves for everyone else, even at grocery shopping.
Why We Please Everyone (Even Strangers)
Cultural conditioning plays a huge role. Many women are raised to be helpers, fixers, caretakers – to be nice, to be supportive, to make sure everyone around us is comfortable. You remember your family life, I remember mine, and that’s the picture I have in my mind of my mother taking care of all of us. We’re taught to prioritize others’ needs and comfort over our own.
My own very personal story about this is that I have a mom who didn’t just prioritize family needs, but was really taught from a very young age to be quiet and support the man in the family in whatever way she needed to. This is an image that I grew up with. It comes at a cost because the cost is that you don’t even know what you want anymore, who you are anymore.
Motherhood amplifies our people pleasing. Once we become mothers, this tendency can go into overdrive. We feel responsible not just for our own actions, but for making sure everyone around us – our families, our husbands, even strangers – feels comfortable and isn’t inconvenienced by us.
Then there’s judgment. We’re afraid to be judged, whether it’s from strangers in line at the supermarket or society at large. Because we are often judged – let’s be honest. There’s constant pressure to prove ourselves as being capable, efficient, and having it all together.
Maybe you can remember when you had your baby. I remember very clearly when I was at that stage with my daughter – everybody had an opinion. Everybody thought they knew better. They knew better that I shouldn’t be nursing until she was two (actually two and a half years old). They had an opinion on her sleeping in my bed. They had an opinion on her taking naps during the day because then she wouldn’t be tired in the evening.
There are so many opinions, like a stream of stuff and opinions coming towards you. That’s your first big awakening call where you have to learn to stand on your own. Some of us do and some of us don’t. There have been many times in my experience as a mum where I really had to walk by myself and listen to my intuition, my gut, whatever felt right for me as a mother.
How Do We Stop This Pattern?
Recognizing that we behave this way is the first step. So how do we break free from this? Here are three steps we can take:
Step 1: Slow Down Intentionally
Just like I did in the supermarket – well, it wasn’t quite intentional because I was sick, but I was given this very special experience to really make me aware of quite a few things.
Next time you’re in line at the supermarket, have a look at how you behave and how you move. Let’s all take the time to pack our bags calmly, pull out our wallets slowly, just like a normal human being when it’s your turn. Breathe. Don’t feel rushed when your child screams at the same time – it’s just normal human behavior.
Let’s start to notice how it feels when we’re not rushing.
Step 2: Reframe How You Think About It
Ask yourself: what’s the worst that could happen if I don’t rush? Will the world end if I actually walk a little bit slowly? Likely it will not.
You might be rushing to school to pick up your child – is it going to be the biggest drama in the world if you’re actually five minutes late? Very likely not, because there’ll be other kids standing there still waiting for their parents.
Start letting go of the pressure to perform and be perfect for everyone all the time. Focus on what you need in that very moment. This constant pressure we’re putting on ourselves to perform all the time – it’s not healthy for us.
Step 3: Set Boundaries with Yourself
That’s another big topic for me – setting boundaries with others and with myself. It’s important to give yourself permission to let something slide. Not everything has to be done perfectly or efficiently. Being German, that can be a challenge. They always say you can take the German out of Germany, but you can’t take the German out of the German. So here and there, that might be true.
Practice saying no to your inner voice that’s telling you “rush, be quicker, hurry up, just one more thing.” Start telling yourself: “It’s okay. I don’t have to do this now. It’s okay to not do that now.”
You Deserve to Stop Performing for Others: How To Quit People Pleasing Strangers
Here’s what I realized that day in the supermarket: I deserve to exist at a normal pace without feeling the need to perform for everyone else’s comfort. And so do you. We deserve to just take our time, even if it might inconvenience someone we don’t even know.
When we let go of the pressure, we actually open up space to breathe, to rest, to rediscover ourselves and our environment – just like I did that day in the supermarket. We can discover who we are outside of the roles that we play. That is so important in order to reconnect with ourselves.
Your Career Hack for Today
The next time you catch yourself overperforming – whether it’s at the checkout line, at work, in your career, at home – just stop and ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for?” And then maybe let it go.
This is your little career hack for today, your little reminder. I hope it was helpful because it was certainly very, very helpful for me. If you know a friend who needs to hear this story, please share away. I’m always grateful when you share Mama What’s Next with one of your friends.
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